It's been awhile now that I've been honest about, dealing with, and studying the dynamics of abuse and domestic abusive relationships.
My abuser is a master manipulator. Even when I would warn people in advance - very few could withstand the sheer skill and artistry of the lies.
But that is not what I am given to speak on today.
Today I am wanting to address the lies told to you - me!
Those are the lies that have embedded themselves into my inner psyche. If you've been recipient of any sort of psychological abuse at all, you will understand what I'm talking about.
The dust still has yet to settle in my case. But, even if it had, I would be reckoning with the voices of my past trying to define me.
You are not enough. You are not smart. You are only good at being a mother. You are incapable. You are... You are... You are...
I know I'm not the only person who deals with this. I mean, entire books and seminars have been created around this topic! It's a big deal to us people.
Listen, Friends, there are days I tell myself that I'm a Daughter, a Princess, an Ambassador, a Warrior. I am Beloved, Annointed, Treasured and very literal a source of pride... and I'm ready to go.
...that should be enough.
I'm not proud to admit this -- but I am honest enough to -- some days that doesn't seem like enough. It seems intangible. And, those things may be true --- but the voice of my abuser(s) have shaped even that. I hate that.
I want to encourage you with this thought. Here's how I battle those voices that haunt me... the echoes of their oppression.
I make a mental list of WHO I AM...
I AM kind even when others are cruel
I AM brave in spite of fear
I AM clinging to the Lord's peace even though I feel the attacks rage on
I AM honest even when lies are told - over and over and over - about me
I AM obedient to the Lord's instructions - regardless of those around me
I AM a woman of integrity even - and especially - when the world says I don't need to be
I AM good and have chosen to love and live well
I AM loving to all ... the unloved, and even the unloving.
I manke a mental list of the abusers' traits that are not mine...
I am NOT dishonest
I am NOT unkind
I am NOT bitter
I am NOT deceptive
I am NOT evil or wicked
I am NOT violent
I am NOT selfish
I am NOT violent
I am NOT selfish
I am NOT lazy
I am NOT cruel
I look at what I have been freed from...
I am NO LONGER controlled by fear
I am NO LONGER bound by silence
I NO LONGER allow intimidation to shape who I see myself as, how I act, or what I say
I NO LONGER stand idly on the sidelines as evil people crush others
I NO LONGER sit in silence afraid of what people will think
I NO LONGER, in fear of repercussions, feel the need to laugh with and cheer - as evil people succeed around me
I NO LONGER carry the shame of evil done to me and the abusers who abused - those are not mine to shoulder
And, while my abuser(s) live such duplicitous lives, it is hard for me to even pinpoint who they actually "are." I know from my experience what they are NOT. I no longer need to define myself by passive aggressive comments, gossip, or outright labels - I choose not to be linked with them or their lack of character. I no longer need to perform for their approval. I no longer need to listen to them!!!!
I know who I am!
... I KNOW WHO I AM...
and
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE....
FREE......
......FREE......
......FREE
.... NOW, *I* get to choose how to live, how to fear, how to love.
