I Have Seen

I'm now coming upon about a year since my husband violently attacked me, me waking up out of co-dependence, and forcing a separation from him through a court-ordered Protection Order.  

It was the thing of nightmares for me.  

However, in the awakening - in the honest look and admittance of the truth of my life and the masterfully manipulating abuser I was married to, there were other things I've seen that I want to document.

The Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible actually resonates at an entire different level to me now... the listings of what he has observed.  Likewise, I have seen many things with fresh eyes over the past year, and I'd love to share a few of those with you.

I have seen...

I have seen ears - shut

I have seen eyes - blinded

I have seen the compassionate become the oppressed

I have seen love abused

I have seen institutions crumble from the cancer they bred

I have seen scriptures twisted to fit needs

I have seen whole families suffer at the hands of a trusted one 

I have seen otherwise good men adopt lies 

I have seen evil slither through a community like a serpent on the hunt - consuming

I have seen perversion quietly put aside - too appalling for leaders to address

I have seen entrusted men intoxicate themselves with the control it gives
I have seen true ugliness from those the community looks to for beauty

I have seen once meaningful friends betray the sacredness of the mothers' circle of trust

I have seen friends twist trust into lies and aim to injure

I have seen the gossip confronted and cry out in anger 

    - only to evolve more cruel than before
I have seen wicked men speak with such effluence, even Shakespeare himself would be wooed 

I have seen evil shed innocent blood without a hint of remorse - only great satisfaction

I have seen wickedness actively recruit the complacent and non discerning

I have seen insurmountable armies mount up from every side and engage the innocent - 

    - with one aim - to destroy

I have seen bullies in every shape, size, age, gender, and race fight each other for ranking

I have seen the influence the wicked have over the weak

I have seen systems intended to help the needy- exploited

I have seen children made fatherless

I have seen fear root itself deeply into the hearts of people

I have seen darkness overcome the Light

I have seen betrayal

I have seen thieves prosper

I have seen criminals lauded and idolized

I have seen the waves of the high tide destroy 

... and cleanse ...

... I know for certain, the high tide will not last forever...

I have seen blind eyes - SEE

I have seen deaf ears - HEAR

I have seen paths made where there were none before

I have seen rest given to the pure in heart

I have seen love stand in the face of fear
I have seen the value of true friendship

I have seen the sunrise in the darkest of seasons

I have seen the very miracle that was begged for - found in the querier themselves

I have seen as never before - the love of sisters

I have seen the oppressed in unexplainable peace and joy - despite pain
I have seen beauty in the broken

I have seen the wounded tended to and cared for by the unexpected

I have seen honesty in deep pain bring healing

...I have seen the very tide that destroys, the very wave that comes as a destructive squall

      - suddenly come to a complete stop.  Peace

Five - One Dollar Bills

You know, every once in awhile you find yourself in a situation that leaves you reeling.  You can hardly believe what is happening and it feels as if the lights went out, and the Lord has left you dangling on a cliff.   It's a terrifying position - where time itself seems to stop or at least slow down.  Have you ever felt that way?  I have.  

Let me tell you a little story of a (recent) time I felt this way -- and the incredible show of the Lord ... how HE lit up my step... just ... enough... to take me to the next plain.

I sat there alone on a Saturday.  My husband was recently removed from the house - resulting in a painful separation.  It had been a couple weeks since I had been to church, I couldn't go back from where I came, and my soul just LONGED for worship... for fellowship.  Ok, well maybe not fellowship, I just couldn't tell the story - I just couldn't tell it to another person.  It was too painful, and I felt the betrayal of trust at the deepest level in my soul... time seemed to be standing still.  Darkness.  Unknown.  Hopelessness.

I asked the Lord where should I go?  And immediately, a local church popped into my mind.  I had friends I trusted there, and I had been wanting to visit this Body of Believers for some time.  So, I decided we would go there the next morning.

Morning came, and, emotionally limping, I gathered everybody up and we headed out to church.  The church met in a local high school - so we entered and went into the main room for the church service.  I don't think I was the only person in our group feeling wounded and isolated in the darkness of pain and the unknown future.  I think we all felt that way.

Worship started .. and I could feel the Lord's presence just embrace me and hold me.  I've often told people that "Worship IS Warfare"... and, at that time I believed it more than ever.  Even with the dark unknown, I knew the Lord was with me.  He would help me... but, then my gaze fell to the little children worshiping alongside me, and I felt my heart sink.  

Suddenly, a wave of words and emotions overcame me:  

Sadness.  Wounded.  Misfit.  Betrayed.  Foolish.... and more.

Tears fell -- Hands lifted.

"Lord, help me.  This is not from YOU!"

And, my thoughts pushed back to the worship - the melodies of God's Truth ... combatting the words of darkness.

It was a wonderful, blessed time.  

We then did the whole "welcome" thing where you shake hands around you.  Normally, I dislike those times, but this time, I met some really amazing brothers and sisters in Christ.  The service went on and we were blessed.  However, that was not all the Lord had for us...

At the end of the service, an elderly man came up to me.  He reached out to me and handed me a small roll of bills.  Not quite understanding what was going on, I looked at him curiously.  He was not a man of wealth... and it was apparent his wife was not in good health.  Regardless, he pushed the roll into my hands.  I looked more closely at it and saw dollar bills.  I forced a smile and said thank you.... and he looked at me and said --"Take your kids to get some ice cream."

I just about lost it... it took everything in me to hold back the tears.  You see, what that man didn't know was, when the separation took place, the family bank accounts were drained by the one departing.  At that exact moment, the children and I were looking at an unknown future ... not knowing the path to take - or how to take it ... we did not know where our support would come from - or when it would come. 

I unrolled the money and saw five, well-worn $1 bills.  I showed the children the gift.  And we all stood in awe.  This man could not have known what those five one-dollar bills would mean to this small, broken, family.  How could he?   How could he have known it would give a hurting mother - me - hope?  How could he have known this small act would serve as a testimony of obedience and the Lord's providence to a clan of confused children?  

He couldn't have known - nobody did ... but he did what the Lord put on his heart.  He obeyed.  I'm sure it was uncomfortable for him.  I have to admit, it was different for me!  But pride melted away... there is no room for pride when you're hanging in the dark - praying for light.  This small, kind gesture was the Lord's way of showing me that, as I listen to, seek, and walk with Him, He will care for us.  It may be modest and may be unexpected (actually most likely will be both), but the Lord will care for us.

Never underestimate the power a small act of obedience has.  

Never let a self-conscious, proud spirit get in the way of obedience.  

And never underestimate the ministry of an obedient Church Body... Never.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since that time, our finances have somewhat balanced out.  
We are still a separated, broken and hurting family, but the Lord is at work.  
This church- in that moment of worship .. in that act of kindness and obedience - has had an immeasurable effect on the faith and hope of this small family.

Thank you, Redeem Church of Pierce County!  

I am SOOOO encouraged, blessed and thankful for all my brothers and sisters out there -- living and sharing Christ's love with the hurting around them!!