"The Struggle"

This was an image the Lord burned into my spirit many years back.  

As I've grown and the years have ticked by, 

it's taken on different meanings to me.  

I used to say -- 
"If I could paint ... I would paint that".  

It's been bugging me lately.  I suppose I can liken it to a cleansing... 

I just needed to get it out.

It's the kind of thing that evokes a lot of emotion.  And, everybody who sees it has a different opinion and interpretation.  

None are wrong!

Here you go!
... "The Struggle" ...

I Have Seen

I'm now coming upon about a year since my husband violently attacked me, me waking up out of co-dependence, and forcing a separation from him through a court-ordered Protection Order.  

It was the thing of nightmares for me.  

However, in the awakening - in the honest look and admittance of the truth of my life and the masterfully manipulating abuser I was married to, there were other things I've seen that I want to document.

The Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible actually resonates at an entire different level to me now... the listings of what he has observed.  Likewise, I have seen many things with fresh eyes over the past year, and I'd love to share a few of those with you.

I have seen...

I have seen ears - shut

I have seen eyes - blinded

I have seen the compassionate become the oppressed

I have seen love abused

I have seen institutions crumble from the cancer they bred

I have seen scriptures twisted to fit needs

I have seen whole families suffer at the hands of a trusted one 

I have seen otherwise good men adopt lies 

I have seen evil slither through a community like a serpent on the hunt - consuming

I have seen perversion quietly put aside - too appalling for leaders to address

I have seen entrusted men intoxicate themselves with the control it gives
I have seen true ugliness from those the community looks to for beauty

I have seen once meaningful friends betray the sacredness of the mothers' circle of trust

I have seen friends twist trust into lies and aim to injure

I have seen the gossip confronted and cry out in anger 

    - only to evolve more cruel than before
I have seen wicked men speak with such effluence, even Shakespeare himself would be wooed 

I have seen evil shed innocent blood without a hint of remorse - only great satisfaction

I have seen wickedness actively recruit the complacent and non discerning

I have seen insurmountable armies mount up from every side and engage the innocent - 

    - with one aim - to destroy

I have seen bullies in every shape, size, age, gender, and race fight each other for ranking

I have seen the influence the wicked have over the weak

I have seen systems intended to help the needy- exploited

I have seen children made fatherless

I have seen fear root itself deeply into the hearts of people

I have seen darkness overcome the Light

I have seen betrayal

I have seen thieves prosper

I have seen criminals lauded and idolized

I have seen the waves of the high tide destroy 

... and cleanse ...

... I know for certain, the high tide will not last forever...

I have seen blind eyes - SEE

I have seen deaf ears - HEAR

I have seen paths made where there were none before

I have seen rest given to the pure in heart

I have seen love stand in the face of fear
I have seen the value of true friendship

I have seen the sunrise in the darkest of seasons

I have seen the very miracle that was begged for - found in the querier themselves

I have seen as never before - the love of sisters

I have seen the oppressed in unexplainable peace and joy - despite pain
I have seen beauty in the broken

I have seen the wounded tended to and cared for by the unexpected

I have seen honesty in deep pain bring healing

...I have seen the very tide that destroys, the very wave that comes as a destructive squall

      - suddenly come to a complete stop.  Peace

The Garden - A Story

Once upon a time, there was a wonderfully kind woman.  She LOVED the Lord and lived her life in discipline to obey Christ in everything.  She would sing and dance in worship to her Creator.   
Life was SO very good.  

The husband was a strong man - both temperamentally and physically.  She loved him with everything in her.  She loved him so much, it didn't bother her much when he would plan everything in her life.  After all, he was outgoing, funny, much more "worldly" than she, and had better ideas than her.  
Their times together were good.

This woman loved plants and all things nature - that is where she met with God.  But, as the years wore on, her garden began to die.  The flowers didn't bloom like they used to.  Weeds choked them out.  Her husband would help, and care for the garden.  
It seemed good.

There were years the woman was exceptionally weary.  She struggled to care for the garden.  Instead of leaning on the Creator - the Master Gardener - for help, she leaned on her husband.  She would still spend time with and talk to the Master Gardener, but the husband kept the garden for her during these times.  
This was not good.

Years passed, the woman became comfortable with relying on the husband to tend her garden - a plot intended for her and her Lord.   She never noticed her the husband was, in actuality, weeding out her flowers.  He was neglecting the care of the soil - which became sterile and toxic to the flowers fighting to bloom.  Instead, grew the weeds he cultivated.  
This was bad.

The woman, loving her husband, convinced herself that weeds are beautiful, too.  Look how they twisted around her lone flower left in the garden!  She would tilt her head and admire their thick tendrils and strong thorns.  This was not surprising.  Because of her kindness, she could see beauty in nearly everything the Lord created.  
This perspective was good. 

She knew in her heart that her husband's well tended weeds were choking out the one flower which had survived the years.  The woman didn't know what to do.  There were too many weeds.   So much time had passed - she had excused and trusted.  ... She looked at God's garden again... so many weeds!  The weeds were all that could be seen as far as her eye could see.  
This was bad.  

The woman turned to study the soil.  This was difficult - the weeds were so thick, she had to cut holes through the thorny vines to see.  You see, she also possessed knowledge.  She knew that healthy soil is necessary for healthy plants.  Her heart broke at what she saw.  The ground had sat uncultivated for so long - it was as hard as stone.  The weeds had taken all the nutrients out of the soil for the beautiful garden.  
This was really bad.

She had never spoken up to instruct her husband as to the garden.  She knew what it took to keep the soil fertile and what was needed for the garden to flourish.  Why had she never spoken up?  Why had she excused and even encouraged these errant practices?  
This was bad.

Suddenly, she was gripped with fear.  It felt just like those vines around the one flower.... the last flower.  It wrapped around her legs, and crippled her. The weeds stole the woman's will and courage as she gazed, distracted and searching for beauty.  
This was terrifyingly bad.

Before the weeds had taken over the land, the woman was free to move.  That fear was more subtle... more excusable.  Occasionally, she would trip.   Fortunately, her husband had created winding paths for her to stay on.  As long as she stood on the path, she would be fine.  There were times she would try to pull the weeds, they would prick and fill her with more fear. Disheartened she would slide back onto the dictated path, and back into gazing and searching for beauty in the garden.... the Lord's garden.  
Was this good?

As the weeds grew and the paths were rerouted, the woman was unable to reach her flower.  The last of the Lord's garden.  She summoned up the courage to go to the flower.  Through the weeds, the thorns, the thick briars -- she reached the flower and held it.  It was never supposed to be this way.  The garden was never meant to grow this way - die this way?  She couldn't even remember how long it had been or how the garden had come to this point.  
This was heartbreakingly bad.

She cried and held the lone flower. But now, the weeds wrapped tightly around her torso.  They dug into her skin... causing her to bleed.  Fear.  They tightened and grew in strength at her defiance in not staying on the path made.  Tighter.  Fear.  Tighter.  But she held the flower - knowing that it should have never been this way.  
This was terribly bad.

The woman called out for her husband.  "HELP!  You are my trusted protector and friend!"  No answer.  She cried out again.  This time she saw her husband watering the weeds - watching her.  As their eyes locked - hers in fear, his in anger - He yanked the vines, tightening their grip even more.  She bled.  She was injured.  She sat crying.  Why?  
This was ... never meant to be... bad.

She fell to her knees - flower in hand. Broken.  Sad.  And with all the breath left in her, she called out to the Lord -- the Creator of the garden.  The Master Gardener.  With one look, He pulled her to her feet.  Gently twisted the vines off her.  And asked her to release her grip on the flower.  She did.  
This was good.

The Master Gardener then asked her if she would trust Him.  The woman looked around and wept as she explained there was nobody else to trust.  She had been deceived - had allowed fear to destroy the garden that was theirs.  She could not go back to her husband's path.  She had to come face to face with the truth of the ugliness of the vines ... the death they brought ... the complacency she allowed ... the fear she fed.  
This was hard - but good.

He began to clear the ground.  As the Lord - the Master Gardener - began to to a mighty work, she saw that many were on her husband's paths following.  They were angry she had left their path.  They didn't understand and were cruel.  They were never there to see the flower or the garden.  They didn't see.  It was as if they didn't even recognize her - friends, family.   She realized they did not come meet with God as she had.  They simply followed.  This broke her heart.  
This was not good.

The Lord continued to clear the ground.  Uproot and destroy the vines - throwing them into the fire.  The path walkers screamed and hurled insult - their anger bubbled out.  They could not contain the anger they felt at the husband's work being destroyed.  They wrongly thought the weeds were his great work.  This was not true.  He was not meant to garden this plot.  And this was not how the garden was meant to be.  
The change was painful - but good.

The husband was so sad about his weeds.  But was he?  She did not know.  She saw him nurture and then yank the vines to injure her.  He had promised to protect her.  He sobbed... the vines -- HIS vines.  
He felt this was bad.

The Lord continued the good work.  The sobs of the husband turned into rage.  How DARE his vines be taken.  How dare his paths be ruined!  LOOK at all the followers following his paths!!!  Where will they follow now?!  
The Master Gardener continued ... HIS work was was good.

As the Lord touched the ground, it became rich and fruitful... the woman cried tears of joy and sang praises.  She found a voice she had forgotten she had been given.  She watched  the Master Gardener planting new flowers in the ground.  Not yet grown, she knew they would be even more beautiful than before.  
This is wonderfully good!

Today, the woman sits with her Lord in the garden.  It's a bit empty, as the seeds are just growing.  But she knows something new is coming - something beautiful.  She and her Creator talk and wait.  He tells her of the trees and fruit - the colorful flowers and glorious scent.  She is healing.  Her master Gardener is healing her as they wait together.  
This is very, very good.

The Master Gardener is also working on the husband... though the woman cannot see.  But she trusts her Lord.  
This.  Is.  Good!

Who Am I?

I know that, typically, people will set up a post like this to explain who they are.  All the flowery and glow-y achievements they have accomplished.  Maybe they will explain about their kids - and what wonderful people they are.  Or maybe they will even try and sell themselves as marders for their cause.  I don't know.  And, honestly, I can't begin to pretend that I understand the mindset of most people.

I've known bloggers that are sincere and honest - their writing is their heart.  (by the way - there are many of these out there!!) But, I've also known authors who use their writing as a way to portray what/who they WISH they could be.  On second thought, maybe they don't really wish they could be - maybe they are perfectly happy being "multi dimensional"  HAHA!  This is what I will call those people -- the ones with the masks... the ones who work so hard to have you feel they can meet you where you are and, in doing so, earn trust they should not (necessarily) be given.

I hope and pray that you will find me in the first camp.  This blog has been a long journey for me.  I've dabbled writing in the past.  I'm not eloquent - I certainly am not the most creative person - I have nothing truly original to share.  And that latter point is a biggie to me.  I've read SO many blogs that speak my heart -- that beautifully explain and word what I feel -- I find myself shrugging and assuming those amazing people will speak for me.

Well, regardless, throughout my life, many have asked me to write more... I would ration:  not only have others written before and more beautifully than I,  but with what time would I write??  I know that we all make time for whatever is a priority in our lives - this is a fact.  But, as you learn more about me and the road I've walked to get to this point, you will see... for some, their "priorities" are taken from them.  They are redefined - even assigned - by others.  Their voices gradually sink away ... kind of like the sun at dusk - but not nearly as beautifully and certainly not as dramatic.   Actually, usually nobody notices.   However, the results are the same.... darkness.

So let me introduce myself.  I am HOPE.  Yep, that's my name.  It's a smidge ironic to me - but I know the Lord gave it to me (through my parents, of course) for reasons I have even yet to discover.  I LOVE the Lord Jesus Christ... like LOVE LOVE!  I get really excited when I read God's Word.  I've been accused of being stubborn and unteachable.  Stubborn, yes - Unteachable, depends on the person assuming I should be learning from them.  But, as you get to know me and my story, you will see how the Lord used my "stubborn" spirit to save me.  Without that - I would certainly NOT be here ... writing or otherwise.

I have my feet planted FIRMLY in middle age.  I am a mother of 4... and (at the time I wrote this, was for 17 years) a wife to 1.  Because of the nature of this blog, I will not be using most people's names.  Most people will have aliases unless they approve of me using their names.  And, I will say, most will not.  So fun, odd and obscure nicknames it is!

I have been married over 16 years.  I was married at the age of 24 - my first real relationship, my first true love.  From that point, we moved around quite a bit.  Husband is in sales - so we followed the job opportunities.  I worked in agriculture and loved it.  CA - Chicago - CA - WA.  I started staying home when we had our first child, "O," and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since.

Husband travels (and travelled) quite extensively for work - while I kept the home fires burning (and the children alive).  And, when not traveling, he was working from home.  This has not been an easy life... and not an easy marriage.  We live in a military community - and his travels I used to liken to the soldier's shorter deployments.  Though, not as dangerous - or honorable -  and I certainly did not have the community.  Because of this, Husband and kids became my world.  We pressed into a local church - deeply.  They helped care for me and the kids while Husband was away.  They loved on us.  Husband would play in the worship band - and quickly became a VERY influential person in the church. (Actually, at this point, I would challenge anybody who would argue that he is not the MOST influential)  I would do the "mom" thing - Mops, playdates, women's retreat, and even lead Bible studies (because, remember, I truly LOVE LOVE LOVE God's Word!).  I never did much outside of church - neighbors were held at a distance; mom friends from school as well; and even, yes, even family.

I trusted Husband with EVERYTHING.  And I do mean everything ... I never doubted him.  Thing is, Husband has secrets --- (pipe down!!!  This post/blog is not to air those out!)  But what I thought was the big one - that I thought was a secret for me to keep - is his anger.  It's always right below the surface.  He comes across as charismatic, joyful, funny and all that.  But, I learned early in our marriage that I was not to compete with him ... and if I dare challenge him, I should be prepared to stand my ground and ready for the fall-out.  The problem was, I was a fearful person at the very core of my heart.  You know, this is not because of anything anybody necessarily did... it's just who I was.  My father is kind, gentle and merciful.  I have to really strain to think of a single incident of him losing his temper.  So - fast forward to early in marriage - I had NEVER seen a person up close with anger issues.  I have NEVER lived with a person like that.  Holes in the walls?  check.  Hitting things? check.  Marching off and driving away - leaving me afraid and feeling guilty for lengths of time?  check - check.  Often the blow-up would occur, then Husband would return and bring a profuse flow of  "I'm sorry" and tears... (for the things he would choose to apologize for -- not the heart issues, though.  This is an important distinction --- and there WILL be blog post at some point on this as well.)

It didn't take long for me to learn how to navigate those waters.  Being a middle kid of 5, I had expertly discovered how to disappear, be a peace keeper, cover up - and ignore other's faults, avoid conflict, and apologize for things I didn't do.  This is what the norm became for me in my marriage.  I was great at what I did!  I would cover, apologize, excuse, and pad conversations to keep peace.  As time went on, it because instinctual.  He would have flare ups, but not nearly like in the early years.  He would tout that is was because of the great growth in his life.  I would smile, knowing it was because of what an excellent job I was doing in my efforts at being an "good" wife.  Still - I trusted him with my everything ... and loved him with every fiber in my being.

As Husband's anger because more and more "tamed" ... I noticed other attributes boiling up.  For one, I noticed a developing aire of being above accountability.  Oh, sure - with the church, he has friends (pastors, elders, cops and judges, too!).  He would have "accountability" with these men.  But did they really know the Truth?  I would really like to think - no.  But if they did/do - shame on them!

This underlying anger, potent influence in the only community circle I had (doubly bad since it uses God, as well), and answering to no-one --- is a DEADLY cocktail.

I share so much about this because I was silent for a long, long time on these things.  But, where I am today ... was birthed through this cauldron.  Some would call it domestic abuse ... it is.  But I didn't realize what it was.  I thought he was just abnormally potent in his personality... and I was not.  So, I hunkered down and sought the Lord.  I studied Scripture and moved to be the best wife I could be... submissive, obedient, honoring and respectful.  I would pray for the Lord to teach me true Love - as in 1Corinthians 13... and I tried hard to discipline myself in that matter (there will be a post on this as well!).

The Lord began to work in me - greatly about 6 years ago.  A deep rending of my heart.  And, as I know my Sweet Jesus to be, He has MERCIFULLY been peeling away the idols, sinful habits, and breaking off chains that had held my heart and spirit for so long.  Honestly, many of these things I wasn't even aware of!  People!!! ... I was the Christian of all Christian wives!  But, it is true --  MY heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9).  Just as I hid marital things from others, just as I covered Husbands issues, just as I navigated being a middle kid ..... I could hide the true roots in my heart....even from myself.  I could actually redefine them in spiritual context to excuse them!  And I had.

In these years, the Lord taught me to pray.  My HUNGER for His Word grew and grew!!!  I saw miracles happen right before my eyes - lives changed, people healed, hearts turned!  ... ALL THROUGH PRAYER.  I learned the power of spiritual warfare... and the need to know and use the Bible - the Sword of the Spirit.  I became more bold as the Lord taught me.  I became more certain of my Faith as I witnessed the Glory of Christ around me... everywhere I turned - there it was!!!  A miracle was happening in my heart - and changing me.

I will touch on all those things later, but you need to note the internal change in me long before the "Quiet Voice" was able to speak up.  It didn't happen overnight.  There wasn't a secret or a book that walked me through it.... it was as simple - and complex - as yielding my life to Jesus Christ... offering myself a living sacrifice ... crawling up on the altar of God and honestly asking Him to do a mighty work in me -- knowing it would be painful.

You see... as I grew in confidence and Faith, I began to notice I had ideas and opinions.  For years and years I sat and watched.  I would observe people.  I would cover for people.  I would see things in and around.  And, I sat silently.  Who would listen to me?  They probably wouldn't like me if I said anything.  And, when I would try to speak up --- literally 9 times out of 10, I would be ignored, interrupted or blatantly spoken over.  My voice is naturally weak... it doesn't carry very far... and is easy to ignore in a group.  (But I think the Lord's working on that, too.)

My confidence in my relationship with Jesus Christ grew until, one day, I shared with Husband what the Lord was doing and speaking to me.  It was not met kindly.  Yet, I stood - afraid, but firm.  This started a domino effect -- climaxing in a violent physical attack on me.  All the Husband/Me things are still being worked out/on.  But the physical hurt -- the vicious lies and gossip that followed -- were a sincere and very real wake-up call to me.  It was as if my house of cards CRASHED down on me in an instant.  My world -- was confusing.  It was a lie.  And it's time to be honest about it.

So, that's where I am today.  I am a domestic abuse survivor.  I am a domestic violence survivor.  I am a wife who PLEADS to the Lord on behalf of Husband.  I am a wife and friend - deeply betrayed.  I am a Mom - trying... trying... trying.  I am a friend who hid in fear and hurt.   I am a woman who is learning to breathe again.  I am a child of God.  I am Loved beyond belief by the Creator Himself.  I am not alone.  I am learning to SPEAK.  I am growing in Faith.  I am brave in ways I never thought.   I am kind and compassionate.  I am forgiven and recreated.  I am everything the Bible says I am -- and I hold to the promises made by the Lord Himself... they span time and culture because I KNOW my God is with me.


... and He can be with you as well.  Because YOU are loved beyond belief.  You are brave.  And those promises in the Bible?? -- they can be yours, too!!!

* I want to note that I will also be writing on church issues in this blog,  Things I've observed.  Things the Lord has been teaching me.  But I want to note and make clear to you all -- though I've been hurt and shocked at how the community and "friends" have not only readily adopted lies, slander and gossip but added to and continued the spread of those thing in regards to me and my life --- I have been even MORE surprised and blessed by the people and true friends who HAVE encouraged me.  Few things show the true hearts of people like a good crisis.  So, while I will be writing quite a bit -- do not lose faith in people.  There are folks who listen to TRUTH, fixing their eyes on Christ all around --- and if you look, you will find them!!!