tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66502180620852338922024-03-13T10:16:13.638-07:00A Quiet VoiceUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger13125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-70769036975434776472020-01-15T16:19:00.002-08:002020-01-30T21:22:19.639-08:00Staying<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It's been a while since I've posted here.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">However, I have written some! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Here is something I wrote about a year ago. It wasn't time to post this at that point, but I feel it is now. I called this one "Staying." </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am planning on writing more - and posting a few more things - in the coming weeks.. I just have to figure out how to organize my thoughts on it all.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;">☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am never offended when people ask me why I stayed so long. The answer is complicated at best – a nightmare at worst. Simply put, I could not leave. I understand that doesn’t make sense. But I will add, it only makes no sense because you’ve never been there. The layers within a person abuse touches are more than the physical – it reaches to the very core fabric of your being … your soul. Abuse weaves its way around the fullness of your love, the purity of your trust, the creativity of your mind and the foundation of your beliefs. And sometimes it happens over time – other times, it’s a quick “snap” – and before you know it you don’t even recognize yourself … too much time was spent hiding and too many years spent trying to appease the abuser … all for naught. And that’s when you realize you are enslaved in a cycle with a monster who will never change – oppressed – enslaved -- afraid.</span></div>
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<b id="docs-internal-guid-3b8d8314-7fff-f9c1-5665-e8c0d33a740b" style="font-weight: normal;"><br></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because I love my children. I stayed because I needed to protect my children. I stayed because the community thought he was amazing – I had no voice. I stayed because I was alone – isolated from people: friends assigned, all activities monitored, money tracked, phone calls, emails and all texts – monitored, basic essentials withheld so I would always be in need, and so much more. I had only existed in a culture where divorce was never an option. Some would mumble – “only in cases of adultery” – but never abuse. But they still judged. I was told often as I was being choked out, smothered or slammed against walls and doors that I had made a COVENANT… “til death do us part.” I believed him. I believed him when I was told that our bodies were “one” and I belonged to him – this is what I had been taught my whole life. I stayed because I was afraid of the family, cultural and communal backlash. I was afraid of change. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid I would have no voice. I was afraid nobody would believe the truth. I was afraid I would die … and my children would be placed in danger.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I felt that I was the only person in the world who could be married to this volatile, angry, manipulative and cruel man. I knew that very few people could “manage” his erratic behavior … but he trained me well. I was trained to respond to his anger. I was trained to be silent. I was trained to only be “honoring” and “respectful” as he defined those things in his narcissistic mind. And I did it very well. It made me feel needed and valued.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I made a promise. I knew that … and I was taught that promise would be broken if I separated because of abuse. I know now that is wrong. Marital promises must go both ways –the other party broke their covenant only a couple months into the marriage. Yet I held on. I was told I was not smart or even qualified enough to be on my own. And I believed them. I was told that, being a woman, I was not to follow the Lord in whatever ministry He would lead me – or use any gifts He would give … that simply didn’t happen. Being a woman, my greatest role in life was being a Wife – and Mother. I was both. I would be nothing – no social status whatsoever – without a husband. The church culture pressed me to continue on, even attempting to coerce a meeting with the local men to go over their “reconciliation plan” for us. I received calls, emails and even read court documents where the church community denied the abuse – while in the same breath explained the abuse. And, at the same time, chastised me for not having a biblical reason for separation. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I stayed for so long because my mind blocked the worse offenses. If it had not – I would be dead today. These are slowly coming back in terrifying PTSD moments I now live with. Instead, at the time, I focused on the love, the good times and the hope that change would come. The love stayed, the good times were fleeting and the change never came. It wasn’t until I realized the change had to be me… and if I did not accept that, I would die… and so may my children. But it took time to find that strength – the strength to be what I thought would be me - alone.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">All that I feared did happen… The gossip was mind-blowing and nothing I ever thought I would be given from “friends.” I was rejected – by family, friends and much of the community. At first, only one friend stood beside me – but that was all I needed. Others did come along side as time went on – some stayed, others couldn’t stand the fire. The church I had dedicated much of my life to, turned on me. And, at first I had no voice. There was nothing left I recognized from the life I left… change had come.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then I started speaking up. I took a deep breath of the fresh, FREE air … and stood up. I had to find the strength – buried so deeply into the shell of the woman I was left with – and I began to fight. It did cost me everything – Just like I was told. But what is growing is the person I was always meant to be… and much more beautiful than what was previously there… this woman is FREE!</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-18295153555489014632019-01-30T14:39:00.000-08:002019-01-30T14:39:08.911-08:00The Year of the BOAR<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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or, more accurately, the boar.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">Ah.... <u>the
Year of the BOAR</u></span></b>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wow... well, recently I sat in and listened to a very
interesting conversation from a friend and her excitement over the upcoming Chinese Year
of the Boar.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Apparently, this is supposed to be a year of ABUNDANCE for
those under this sign.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It is so interesting!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Because my last name means "Wild Boar!"<o:p></o:p></div>
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And, even though I was not born under this Chinese sign -
nor do I adhere to much of the beliefs tied to these traditions - I am burdened
with an exciting prayer for all those under this sign ...<o:p></o:p></div>
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Whether born under the assigned sign - or under the name (by birth or
by choice).<o:p></o:p></div>
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My prayer is that this year WILL be a year of ABUNDANCE for
you!<o:p></o:p><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtX4W3yUpzfomH2RmiQEyPWFbaxk8gYyyIg22gcKnV0kRq7cFjilvBCRJTeJUmVui3ZKI-Yr-a9WzkYO6YcCFI7-fvin4sgVZpx2lUYl01OwtSLM0iELm-pmc5C8lMC9ISWI_HAaTaMNxa/s1600/pig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="555" data-original-width="593" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtX4W3yUpzfomH2RmiQEyPWFbaxk8gYyyIg22gcKnV0kRq7cFjilvBCRJTeJUmVui3ZKI-Yr-a9WzkYO6YcCFI7-fvin4sgVZpx2lUYl01OwtSLM0iELm-pmc5C8lMC9ISWI_HAaTaMNxa/s200/pig.jpg" width="200" /></a>I pray that the harvest in your lives will be mind-blowingly
abundant!<span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I'm talking the kind of harvest that bursts the seams of the
silos,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and fills the
storehouses to overflowing!!!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>I pray that the harvest is that of what you have sewn into
your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></b></div>
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That everything done in private or public - acts, words,
motives, thoughts and every part of your being - would reap a harvest of
ABUNDANCE in what you have chosen to sew into your life.</div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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Go in peace - go in joy ... and watch the harvest!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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So many years of sewing should be an amazing ABUNDANT
harvest.<o:p></o:p></div>
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XOX</div>
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❤️</div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-73005064036492550922018-04-22T06:00:00.001-07:002023-01-22T11:17:46.720-08:00Silencing the Abuser's Voice in Your Head<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's been awhile now that I've been honest about, dealing with, and studying the dynamics of abuse and domestic abusive relationships.</div>
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My abuser is a master manipulator. Even when I would warn people in advance - very few could withstand the sheer skill and artistry of the lies. </div>
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But that is not what I am given to speak on today.</div>
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Today I am wanting to address the lies told to you - me!</div>
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Those are the lies that have embedded themselves into my inner psyche. If you've been recipient of any sort of psychological abuse at all, you will understand what I'm talking about.</div>
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The dust still has yet to settle in my case. But, even if it had, I would be reckoning with the voices of my past trying to define me.</div>
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You are not enough. You are not smart. You are only good at being a mother. You are incapable. You are... You are... You are...</div>
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I know I'm not the only person who deals with this. I mean, entire books and seminars have been created around this topic! It's a big deal to us people.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Listen, Friends, there are days I tell myself that I'm a Daughter, a Princess, an Ambassador, a Warrior. I am Beloved, Annointed, Treasured and very literal a source of pride... and I'm ready to go.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...that should be enough.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm not proud to admit this -- but I am honest enough to -- some days that doesn't seem like enough. It seems intangible. And, those things may be true --- but the voice of my abuser(s) have shaped even that. I hate that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I want to encourage you with this thought. Here's how I battle those voices that haunt me... the echoes of their oppression. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>I make a mental list of WHO I AM...</u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM kind even when others are cruel</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM brave in spite of fear</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM clinging to the Lord's peace even though I feel the attacks rage on</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM honest even when lies are told - over and over and over - about me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM obedient to the Lord's instructions - regardless of those around me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM a woman of integrity even - and especially - when the world says I don't need to be</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM good and have chosen to love and live well</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I AM loving to all ... the unloved, and even the unloving.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>I manke a mental list of the abusers' traits that are not mine...</u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT dishonest</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT unkind</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT bitter</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT deceptive</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT evil or wicked<br />
I am NOT violent<br />
I am NOT selfish</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT lazy</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NOT cruel</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u>I look at what I have been freed from...</u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NO LONGER controlled by fear</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I am NO LONGER bound by silence</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I NO LONGER allow intimidation to shape who I see myself as, how I act, or what I say</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I NO LONGER stand idly on the sidelines as evil people crush others </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I NO LONGER sit in silence afraid of what people will think</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I NO LONGER, in fear of repercussions, feel the need to laugh with and cheer - as evil people succeed around me</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I NO LONGER carry the shame of evil done to me and the abusers who abused - those are not mine to shoulder</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And, while my abuser(s) live such duplicitous lives, it is hard for me to even pinpoint who they actually "are." I know from my experience what they are NOT. I no longer need to define myself by passive aggressive comments, gossip, or outright labels - I choose not to be linked with them or their lack of character. I no longer need to perform for their approval. I no longer need to listen to them!!!!</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I know who I am! </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
... I KNOW WHO I AM...</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I HAVE BEEN SET FREE....</span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">FREE......</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="text-align: left;">......</span>FREE<span style="text-align: left;">......</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="text-align: left;">......</span>FREE</span></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">.... NOW, *I* get to choose how to live, how to fear, how to love.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>
</div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-16119808157305145402017-10-25T11:36:00.004-07:002017-10-25T13:05:44.569-07:00National Domestic Violence Awareness Month<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u><b>October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month</b></u></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I used to shrug these sort of things off -- now it seems ironic. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #1d2129;">Ironic that I have lived (and survived!) </span><u style="color: #1d2129;">EVERY</u><span style="color: #1d2129;"> facet of </span><span style="color: #351c75;">Domestic Violence</span><span style="color: #1d2129;">. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I will no doubt be writing much more on the subject in the future. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But, for now, I want to implore you who are where I used to think I was...</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pause for a moment... </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">it is guaranteed that each of you know AT LEAST</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">one couple/man/woman who is either currently in, or has been in, an abusive relationship.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am asked many questions by others.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The top two I want to encourage you all to think about today is :</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></span></span></div>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">HOW DO YOU KNOW?</b></div>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">HOW CAN YOU HELP??</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here are some articles that I </span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">recommend:</span></span></div>
</span></h2>
<h2>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/">http://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/</a></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="font-weight: normal; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></div>
<br>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://plus.google.com/collection/Yy46GE">https://plus.google.com/collection/Yy46GE</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">(above is a collection I put random articles in which I identify with and which pertain to this subject)</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></span></div>
</span></h2>
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">I</span><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> also recommend you know where your local help is found - shelters, counselors, etc.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">For me, an agency called the <a href="http://www.aplaceofhelp.com/" target="_blank">Crystal Judson Family Justice Center</a> here in Tacoma, WA helped me immensely. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">As did counselors who recognized the severity of the situation even before I did. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;">At the beginning, o</span><span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">nly a small handful of close friends were privy to the abuse I was FINALLY acknowledging and confronting. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">Of that "handful," only a few believed me. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-size: small;">And I am FOREVER thankful for them!!! (YOU know who you are! )</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="text-align: center;">
It is because of this small support team I was directed to get help. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would never had known what to do on my own... never.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
I would never have been able to withstand the pressure to stay. </div><div style="text-align: center;">(Please note, the term "pressure" can be swapped with "abuse.")</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Pressure from my Abuser. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Pressure from my family. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><br></div><div style="text-align: center;">Pressure from "my church." </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br></div><div style="text-align: center;">
Pressure from my "friends." </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
And even pressure from myself </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
(being embarrassed and afraid of what others would say if they knew the truth)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
.... and I would likely have stayed without help... to my death.</div><div style="text-align: center;">(And at the cost of my children's lives too.)</div>
</span><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div style="font-weight: normal; text-align: center;">
Never underestimate the strength one friend beside a person can give -- be that friend!</div>
</span></span></span></h2>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b><u>Stay tuned!!</u></b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>2018 will hold many more writings on this subject, in hopes of helping people in these sort of relationships, people trying to get out, and friends/family wanting to help!</b></span></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "sf optimized" , , , "blinkmacsystemfont" , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.11999999731779099px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br></span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-26126868973392163052017-08-03T14:50:00.000-07:002017-08-04T14:05:13.226-07:00"The Struggle"<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This was an image the Lord burned into my spirit many years back. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As I've grown and the years have ticked by, </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">it's taken on different meanings to me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I used to say -- </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"If I could paint ... I would paint that". </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's been bugging me lately. I suppose I can liken it to a cleansing... </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I just needed to get it out.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's the kind of thing that evokes a lot of emotion. And, everybody who sees it has a different opinion and interpretation. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">None are wrong!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Here you go!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">... "The Struggle" ...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-49563929491734001912017-07-21T12:14:00.001-07:002023-01-22T11:14:32.634-08:00I Have Seen<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">I'm now coming upon about a year since my husband violently attacked me, me waking up out of co-dependence, and forcing a separation from him through a court-ordered Protection Order. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">It was the thing of nightmares for me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">However, in the awakening - in the honest look and admittance of the truth of my life and the masterfully manipulating abuser I was married to, there were other things I've seen that I want to document.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">The Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible actually resonates at an entire different level to me now... the listings of what he has observed. Likewise, I have seen many things with fresh eyes over the past year, and I'd love to share a few of those with you.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0c343d;"><br /></span>
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">I have seen...</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen ears - shut</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen eyes - blinded</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the compassionate become the oppressed</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen love abused</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen institutions crumble from the cancer they bred</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen scriptures twisted to fit needs</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen whole families suffer at the hands of a trusted one </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen otherwise good men adopt lies </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen evil slither through a community like a serpent on the hunt - consuming</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen perversion quietly put aside - too appalling for leaders to address</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen entrusted men intoxicate themselves with the control it gives</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen true ugliness from those the community looks to for beauty</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen once meaningful friends betray the sacredness of the mothers' circle of trust</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen friends twist trust into lies and aim to injure</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the gossip confronted and cry out in anger </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;"> - only to evolve more cruel than before</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen wicked men speak with such effluence, even Shakespeare himself would be wooed </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen evil shed innocent blood without a hint of remorse - only great satisfaction</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen wickedness actively recruit the complacent and non discerning</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen insurmountable armies mount up from every side and engage the innocent - </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;"> - with one aim - to destroy</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen bullies in every shape, size, age, gender, and race fight each other for ranking </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the influence the wicked have over the weak</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen systems intended to help the needy- exploited</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen children made fatherless</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen fear root itself deeply into the hearts of people</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen darkness overcome the Light</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen betrayal</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen thieves prosper</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen criminals lauded and idolized</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;"><br /></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">I have seen the waves of the high tide destroy </span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">... and cleanse ...</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">... <u>I know for certain, the high tide will <b>not</b> last forever</u>...</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen blind eyes - SEE</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen deaf ears - HEAR</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen paths made where there were none before</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen rest given to the pure in heart</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen love stand in the face of fear</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the value of true friendship</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the sunrise in the darkest of seasons</span><br /></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the very miracle that was begged for - found in the querier themselves</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen as never before - the love of sisters</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the oppressed in unexplainable peace and joy - despite pain</span><br />
<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen beauty in the broken</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen the wounded tended to and cared for by the unexpected</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #0c343d;">I have seen honesty in deep pain bring healing</span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif">...I have seen the very tide that destroys, the very wave that comes as a destructive squall</span></span></div>
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<span face=""helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif" style="color: #660000;"> - suddenly come to a complete stop. Peace</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-91343320313996047432017-06-23T21:48:00.000-07:002017-06-23T22:17:32.578-07:00Her Tree<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This past year, my daughter was introduced to poetry.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She wrote a poem based on my tree painting </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(I wrote about <a href="https://thequietvoicewillbeheard.blogspot.com/2017/03/picking-up-more-than-just-pen.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #351c75;">here</span></a>) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">For me, it was a self portrait of sorts... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">and, without me even knowing, she wrote this poem to go with it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">This was her interpretation of my painting...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> I think it's pretty amazing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">(I think SHE'S pretty amazing!) </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She gave me permission to share it with you here. 💓</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmmY7S5Cs5SdozhzPmmaF-GWZ5a1S5hVLXcYVy-R18PMxAFKQFcTsY7NXx7blXlf1pd9KhNXm4tyxgzg6Sq9ElaHWn-YNqjSG8759CT1OwyGdLg0mjC-jnfRAmjQaVDCBCCuAfLVYwLFEk/s1600/IMG_9748.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="1440" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmmY7S5Cs5SdozhzPmmaF-GWZ5a1S5hVLXcYVy-R18PMxAFKQFcTsY7NXx7blXlf1pd9KhNXm4tyxgzg6Sq9ElaHWn-YNqjSG8759CT1OwyGdLg0mjC-jnfRAmjQaVDCBCCuAfLVYwLFEk/s320/IMG_9748.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"> <u>Her Forest</u></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u><br /></u></span></b></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her forest was gone</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her world was destroyed </span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She didn’t know what to do</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her friends were all lies </span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her friends ware all spies</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To make sure she followed the rules</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those who she thought cared left her</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Those who she thought wrong embraced her</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her world had burned up before her</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But the rain fell as it always did </span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To wash the ash away</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To wash the fear away</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">To wash the doubt away</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her forest was gone</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Her world was destroyed</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But she was not confused</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She now knew what to do</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><span style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She may be burnt</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 8px; margin-left: 144px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">But she’s not destroyed</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">No matter what they might think</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">No matter what they might say</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">She will stand for another day</span></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-58672588268186559592017-05-10T12:17:00.002-07:002023-01-22T11:28:56.442-08:00The Interlude<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I have a few things that have bumping around my head to write on. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">It's super fun - I find I'm seeing things differently now, and it's fun to get to communicate those things with you all!!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQbEgROsdeLlI5-WqKUbE4eDjacrXmrfzvNi40wvO4412wSCWE7B7JerCftnnnGLv0wtdsujc_SNjvvphfrArlYXAl0UzynohelH0Pw7XNWRQRXDy_WHXs-LIomLLTcnpqhZrM_tulozP/s1600/IMG_9873.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"></span></a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQbEgROsdeLlI5-WqKUbE4eDjacrXmrfzvNi40wvO4412wSCWE7B7JerCftnnnGLv0wtdsujc_SNjvvphfrArlYXAl0UzynohelH0Pw7XNWRQRXDy_WHXs-LIomLLTcnpqhZrM_tulozP/s1600/IMG_9873.JPG" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMQbEgROsdeLlI5-WqKUbE4eDjacrXmrfzvNi40wvO4412wSCWE7B7JerCftnnnGLv0wtdsujc_SNjvvphfrArlYXAl0UzynohelH0Pw7XNWRQRXDy_WHXs-LIomLLTcnpqhZrM_tulozP/s200/IMG_9873.JPG" width="200" /></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But, this week I took a break and painted another picture. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">This painting will be a gift. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The Lord has planted me in a home on a lake. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="color: red;">It's nice! </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But what is my favorite thing is the sunrises. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I face due East and am treated often to the beauty of the sun rising over Mount Rainier. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="color: blue;">It is breath-taking.</span></div>
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3dQtkgq5hECd0RSVAw-U_LzUBTYbPgNJfmqUq52JWETI9diEEuodFMd4ZbM8nfRbekthxI03DKBdCX88TYz2H3Uoe2vC8Cb6HDBZYJNivj3j732PlcSW8QAbwTUlLYeDh9bDW4Mg8Qh2j/s1600/IMG_9870.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"></span></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"></span><br />
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Thing is, we don't see them very often. In the summer, the sun is rising around 4/5am- ish ... and I am asleep. In the winter (where the most colorful sunrises are), we rarely even SEE the sun. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3dQtkgq5hECd0RSVAw-U_LzUBTYbPgNJfmqUq52JWETI9diEEuodFMd4ZbM8nfRbekthxI03DKBdCX88TYz2H3Uoe2vC8Cb6HDBZYJNivj3j732PlcSW8QAbwTUlLYeDh9bDW4Mg8Qh2j/s1600/IMG_9870.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3dQtkgq5hECd0RSVAw-U_LzUBTYbPgNJfmqUq52JWETI9diEEuodFMd4ZbM8nfRbekthxI03DKBdCX88TYz2H3Uoe2vC8Cb6HDBZYJNivj3j732PlcSW8QAbwTUlLYeDh9bDW4Mg8Qh2j/s400/IMG_9870.JPG" width="400" /></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I live in the Pacific Northwest ... this year in particular has been DARK. And It's not just ME! We've actually broken all sorts of records for rainfall and gray skies. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I chose to paint one of the sunrises we had here a little while back... well at least my take on it.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">For years, these beautiful sunrises would lift my spirits early in the mornings as I got the children ready for school, prayed with them and read with them. Often, my nights were long -- caring for a child with nightmares or a sick child. Mornings came FAST -💓 </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">...Keeping it simple with the signature </span></td></tr>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-24962628843938079492017-03-27T10:30:00.001-07:002023-01-22T11:26:56.660-08:00Picking Up More Than Just the "Pen"<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I've always been artistic. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Always. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">From my earliest recollection I was doodling, studying, creating.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">In high school, I was introduced to painting. I took to it like a duck to water. It was natural to me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Easy. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Relaxing. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Enjoyable. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I took more classes in college, as well as other art classes. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I also taught art (mainly stained glass) classes to help pay rent and for college courses.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I loved it. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">It was definitely a hobby (haha! ... ner' to become any sort of occupation)... but I loved it.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">During my marriage, much of myself was lost... a little more with each passing year. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But not only that, I was isolated -- so much so, those who knew me before, weren't given to even see me in the daily. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And, if they did, they might not have recognized who this woman was, me, in front of them.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">By the time the Lord woke me up to the abuse I had been enduring (and excusing), I was but a shadow of what I once was. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Expressions of my being, which had been long gone, surprisingly began to rear their heads. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">In the past, I would see pictures in my head to paint, and would muse that I wished there was enough time. I was too busy - and, truly, it seemed like EVERYBODY needed a piece of me. I would say there was no money - no space... and, therefore, no real reason for it. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">My abuser was the brilliant, artistic leader -- not me -- so, I willingly bowed out and said "goodbye" to the favorite expressions of my heart.... </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I would say, besides painting, I love gardening and fixing up my homes. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I love gardens. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I love flowers. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I love all the things that go with the above... the smells, the work, the sounds, sharing with others.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">As we moved around throughout our marriage, with each home, I lost a little more and a little more interest in gardening, creating, and personalizing my homes. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The loss of desire to personalize the inside of the home was the last bit of me to go. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">After all, I could justify the living spaces as for the "good of the whole."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But the gardens lay dormant - overgrown with grass and weeds. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And artistic displays of my being became less and less. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And I missed it. I missed being me. I didn't know how to even address or describe what was going on inside me. But one word comes to mind - death.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">While this was happening -- toward the beginning of the end - I could feel something was greatly missing. </span>.</div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">It was through prayer that I attribute my awakening. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Though, the final "wake-up!" was not on my end (but rather violent physical abuse at the hands of the abuser). </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I began to see that the person I was created to be had been lost. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But not lost in a way like "I need find myself". </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I KNEW who I was, and it mourned me that so much had been given for what? - to the point of myself not existing anymore - to what gain? To WHOSE gain? (nothing and nobody's)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Anyway, long story short, I woke up to the abuse in my marriage. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The betrayal and the lies. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">This wasn't a slow unfolding. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">No. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">It was like a 2x4 to the back of my head.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">WAKE UP!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The Lord gave me a choice... to choose complacency, stay and serve man... OR to stand, take up my mat and follow HIM. </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">As I wrote about in "<a href="http://thequietvoicewillbeheard.blogspot.com/2016/11/pick-up-your-mat-and-walk_5.html" target="_blank">Pick Up Your Mat and WALK</a>" and in other posts, you know I chose to follow the Lord.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">This set off a massive chain reaction. One that could only be compared - in my head - to an atomic bomb... or a RAGING wildfire... regardless, it destroyed EVERYTHING I had come to identify as my "world." </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Complete Destruction.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I had been given pictures in my mind in the past, and still reflect on them. But this time, all the excuses were gone -- gone in the destruction.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I tried to say there was no space - there was no equipment - there was no time - there was no SKILL.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But the arguments, along with the phony reality and glass house I had been led to believe was mine ... they were suddenly GONE!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I saw that, in actuality, there WAS time. An hour here and a half hour there. A Saturday and maybe a few late nights... the time, indeed, DID exist.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">There was plenty of space as I rearranged and cleared out the clutter!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8jc61f5TUJs1n8l2gWsal_EvsFvQpuGti3EMbx-bwYUEC71ZIg3dC80CD-HJ3PPXG0kKI_Fwg7f_xwby35l1T7NIWmBMG6jnRypC5YFb2fp3HkrR7jo9GSpF9sUKRjOTGYQNipvyvsgn/s1600/Screen+Shot+2017-03-26+at+11.38.28+PM.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD8jc61f5TUJs1n8l2gWsal_EvsFvQpuGti3EMbx-bwYUEC71ZIg3dC80CD-HJ3PPXG0kKI_Fwg7f_xwby35l1T7NIWmBMG6jnRypC5YFb2fp3HkrR7jo9GSpF9sUKRjOTGYQNipvyvsgn/s320/Screen+Shot+2017-03-26+at+11.38.28+PM.png" width="161" /></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And then the equipment came just as miraculously as the time and space. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Easel... gorgeous - check! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Canvases ... check! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Brushes and Paints ... check... check!!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">So, I set it up -- and guess what?!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I STARED AT AN EMPTY CANVAS FOR WEEKS. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Yup ... I was scared. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Scared to fail. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">What would happen if what I saw in my head -- if I couldn't translate that on canvas?? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Everything had been stripped -- and, yes the Lord was/is rebuilding me -- but, there WAS the day that saw I stood with <u><b>only</b></u> <b><span style="color: #444444;">ONE friend.</span></b> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">ALL ELSE HAD BEEN TAKEN.... DESTROYED.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And, while that should be more than enough for anybody -- I was still scared.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I have received countless threats because I am speaking as to the Truth of my life. The gossip and lies some days are just too much. The pure wickedness that comes at me from the most (formerly) trusted of people is enough to paralyze <u>anybody</u>. And the meanness... inconceivable!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And I'll say it again -- INCONCEIVABLE!! (read that again in your best "Princess Bride" voice 😀)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But the day came I KNEW it was time. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">(That's a reoccurring phrase in my life these days -- "It's time"... but that's for another day)</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXXxTH0vKlie1PWazgPFPPOd_ZUNIsuoWlrNKs443uWg6sR7DJyxLTfkJDYUA3yJAabCBO6O1tlAKUtT0KZR0kgsbBa0FaTtUTv4JhoyJ6dSVuTMRpYPZ7qTH2fNCXIZlwbKL2YLeHzu0Y/s1600/tree+a1.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXXxTH0vKlie1PWazgPFPPOd_ZUNIsuoWlrNKs443uWg6sR7DJyxLTfkJDYUA3yJAabCBO6O1tlAKUtT0KZR0kgsbBa0FaTtUTv4JhoyJ6dSVuTMRpYPZ7qTH2fNCXIZlwbKL2YLeHzu0Y/s200/tree+a1.jpg" width="150" /></a><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">So, I began mixing colors. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I picked up my brush...</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And I started.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">There's a LOT I have to still learn. Even this time, I found myself reacquainting with brushes, techniques and all that stuff.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Regardless, I started!... It had been nearly 20 YEARS since I had sat in front of a canvas with a brush in hand... and a vague knowledge of what belonged on that blank canvas... But I began.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">All I knew about this first painting was that the background was a completely decimated forest. EVERYTHING was to be destroyed -- burned (by fire or blast, dunno). </span><br />
<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Everything.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNZVgHnDOLAhWxvM-wtGN6TDoCIYNwI7XhDRq8F2MWhvife006Y9YcjwLbVjKLTS1isn0Gsu0hdMDqGeTWFCYCqbLJ6SylmRTrA491ELbGtzOm55cEYi8ALwqCwypSPnVl4n3UwHQ4V3Js/s1600/tree+a.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNZVgHnDOLAhWxvM-wtGN6TDoCIYNwI7XhDRq8F2MWhvife006Y9YcjwLbVjKLTS1isn0Gsu0hdMDqGeTWFCYCqbLJ6SylmRTrA491ELbGtzOm55cEYi8ALwqCwypSPnVl4n3UwHQ4V3Js/s320/tree+a.jpg" width="240" /></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><br /></span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif"><b>Dark</b>.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The picture was to be ... Dark.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The skies were to be gray and stormy.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And there was to be rain... lots of rain.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">However, there was to be, in the center, <u><b>one</b></u> tree... seemingly dead and burned up. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">As this rain fell on the scorched earth, it began to wash off the trees around it ... only to further display the complete destruction of all that had been living. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWJ3ui4NwhKiUF1M84-OZjLI89V2QABh_ePWqAoVs7cpNIb4S_4nzhW9CltKVb3lSvXYIOmyhXbFo9qhcyGLXXPqZ92NBw_ROvhR73NLt572sHudVjDWXtLU-usVKWaOdVflq_7FxGegt/s1600/tree+b.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWJ3ui4NwhKiUF1M84-OZjLI89V2QABh_ePWqAoVs7cpNIb4S_4nzhW9CltKVb3lSvXYIOmyhXbFo9qhcyGLXXPqZ92NBw_ROvhR73NLt572sHudVjDWXtLU-usVKWaOdVflq_7FxGegt/s320/tree+b.jpg" width="185" /></a><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But there was to stand the one tree.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">As the rain hits the branches, the soot and dirt from the flames begin to wash off. The injuries and hurts begin to heal. The formerly dead branches begin to com back to life... little by little.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">That was it. That was all I knew would be on the canvas. But, as I began to paint, the Lord began to teach and tell me more about what HE had shown me.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">The fire was what happened to me. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">There was death before the fire... and, frankly the fire had been burning for a VERY long time. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But, somehow, some way, there was one tree... with DEEP roots. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">A stubborn little bugger. While the bark burned, the inner heart of this tree kept (though slowly) beating.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO1VI67_w2fAWPK4OIT8w7dzOkkUdp8ozdVRDegu17rIZAgRkx5gJGgo4cI-Kx5tI8sr5ZCetXcSuPvaB3OTuE1WT8FcV9cwfg-m2xBHHtzW3F9BrV8QM0bmZ7fuub1vAbANEzxdmezmd5/s1600/easel+tree.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO1VI67_w2fAWPK4OIT8w7dzOkkUdp8ozdVRDegu17rIZAgRkx5gJGgo4cI-Kx5tI8sr5ZCetXcSuPvaB3OTuE1WT8FcV9cwfg-m2xBHHtzW3F9BrV8QM0bmZ7fuub1vAbANEzxdmezmd5/s640/easel+tree.jpg" width="424" /></a><br /></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And, while nothing else was able to survive the disaster that ravaged -- this little tree actually began to come to life.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">It sprouts.</span><br />
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">And, one day, it will bloom again. </span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">Oh, there's more to this picture... and my kids tell me I should do a series.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">But the truth is, this tree is me.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I didn't know that when I started painting. But I do now.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">You see, even if you have not withstood the furnace -- the blaze -- or the blast yet, one day you will. And the only thing that will sustain you are those roots ...</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">I pray this would be your story, too.</span></div>
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif">... the tree that would one day bloom again,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;">
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<span face=""trebuchet ms" , sans-serif" style="color: #6aa84f; font-size: large;"><b>.... And now... as Spring is here ... the GARDEN awaits! 😊</b></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-75302559814974281552016-10-26T13:28:00.001-07:002017-04-24T09:22:09.192-07:00Five - One Dollar Bills<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You know, every once in awhile you find yourself in a situation that leaves you reeling. You can hardly believe what is happening and it feels as if the lights went out, and the Lord has left you dangling on a cliff. It's a terrifying position - where time itself seems to stop or at least slow down. Have you ever felt that way? I have. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Let me tell you a little story of a (recent) time I felt this way -- and the incredible show of the Lord ... how HE lit up my step... just ... enough... to take me to the next plain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I sat there alone on a Saturday. My husband was recently removed from the house - resulting in a painful separation. It had been a couple weeks since I had been to church, I couldn't go back from where I came, and my soul just LONGED for worship... for fellowship. Ok, well maybe not fellowship, I just couldn't tell the story - I just couldn't tell it to another person. It was too painful, and I felt the betrayal of trust at the deepest level in my soul... time seemed to be standing still. Darkness. Unknown. Hopelessness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I asked the Lord where should I go? And immediately, a local church popped into my mind. I had friends I trusted there, and I had been wanting to visit this Body of Believers for some time. So, I decided we would go there the next morning.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Morning came, and, emotionally limping, I gathered everybody up and we headed out to church. The church met in a local high school - so we entered and went into the main room for the church service. I don't think I was the only person in our group feeling wounded and isolated in the darkness of pain and the unknown future. I think we <u>all</u> felt that way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Worship started .. and I could feel the Lord's presence just embrace me and hold me. I've often told people that "Worship IS Warfare"... and, at that time I believed it more than ever. Even with the dark unknown, I knew the Lord was with me. He would help me... but, then my gaze fell to the little children worshiping alongside me, and I felt my heart sink. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Suddenly, a wave of words and emotions overcame me: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Sadness. Wounded. Misfit. Betrayed. Foolish.... and more.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Tears fell -- Hands lifted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Lord, help me. This is not from YOU!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And, my thoughts pushed back to the worship - the melodies of God's Truth ... combatting the words of darkness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It was a wonderful, blessed time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We then did the whole "welcome" thing where you shake hands around you. Normally, I dislike those times, but this time, I met some really amazing brothers and sisters in Christ. The service went on and we were blessed. However, that was not all the Lord had for us...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At the end of the service, an elderly man came up to me. He reached out to me and handed me a small roll of bills. Not quite understanding what was going on, I looked at him curiously. He was not a man of wealth... and it was apparent his wife was not in good health. Regardless, he pushed the roll into my hands. I looked more closely at it and saw dollar bills. I forced a smile and said thank you.... and he looked at me and said --"Take your kids to get some ice cream."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I just about lost it... it took everything in me to hold back the tears. You see, what that man didn't know was, when the separation took place, the family bank accounts were drained by the one departing. At that exact moment, the children and I were looking at an unknown future ... not knowing the path to take - or how to take it ... we did not know where our support would come from - or when it would come. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I unrolled the money and saw five, well-worn $1 bills. I showed the children the gift. And we all stood in awe. This man could not have known what those five one-dollar bills would mean to this small, broken, family. How could he? How could he have known it would give a hurting mother - me - hope? How could he have known this small act would serve as a testimony of obedience and the Lord's providence to a clan of confused children? </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5t_QeZdkccV-Zs5LVuoFdq-rTY-njRxCMjjPEW1UUN0rdceEdQCHMSB6dbhaUCXdmczBIaTkxq23MulXhvSuSD8AA2uS9MMTyE4axoIOCyu9UwgQXc1eUN635T4yx3xaC5WaWPrasRbql/s1600/IMG_9304.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5t_QeZdkccV-Zs5LVuoFdq-rTY-njRxCMjjPEW1UUN0rdceEdQCHMSB6dbhaUCXdmczBIaTkxq23MulXhvSuSD8AA2uS9MMTyE4axoIOCyu9UwgQXc1eUN635T4yx3xaC5WaWPrasRbql/s320/IMG_9304.JPG" width="213" /></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He couldn't have known - nobody did ... but he did what the Lord put on his heart. He obeyed. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for him. I have to admit, it was different for me! But pride melted away... there is no room for pride when you're hanging in the dark - praying for light. This small, kind gesture was the Lord's way of showing me that, as I listen to, seek, and walk with Him, He will care for us. It may be modest and may be unexpected (actually most likely will be both), but the Lord will care for us.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Never underestimate the power a small act of obedience has. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Never let a self-conscious, proud spirit get in the way of obedience. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And never underestimate the ministry of an obedient Church Body... Never.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Since that time, our finances have somewhat balanced out. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">We are still a separated, broken and hurting family, but the Lord is at work. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This church- in that moment of worship .. in that act of kindness and obedience - has had an immeasurable effect on the faith and hope of this small family.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>Thank you,<a href="http://redeem.church/" target="_blank"> Redeem Church of Pierce County! </a> </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>I am SOOOO encouraged, blessed and thankful for all my brothers and sisters out there -- living and sharing Christ's love with the hurting around them!!</b></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-77639021688774722016-10-19T16:34:00.005-07:002016-10-20T09:42:35.976-07:00The Garden - A Story<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Once upon a time, there was a wonderfully kind woman. She LOVED the Lord and lived her life in discipline to obey Christ in everything. She would sing and dance in worship to her Creator. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Life was SO very good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The husband was a strong man - both temperamentally and physically. She loved him with everything in her. She loved him so much, it didn't bother her much when he would plan everything in her life. After all, he was outgoing, funny, much more "worldly" than she, and had better ideas than her. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Their times together were good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This woman loved plants and all things nature - that is where she met with God. But, as the years wore on, her garden began to die. The flowers didn't bloom like they used to. Weeds choked them out. Her husband would help, and care for the garden. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">It seemed good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">There were years the woman was exceptionally weary. She struggled to care for the garden. Instead of leaning on the Creator - the Master Gardener - for help, she leaned on her husband. She would still spend time with and talk to the Master Gardener, but the husband kept the garden for her during these times. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was not good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Years passed, the woman became comfortable with relying on the husband to tend her garden - a plot intended for her and her Lord. She never noticed her the husband was, in actuality, weeding out her flowers. He was neglecting the care of the soil - which became sterile and toxic to the flowers fighting to bloom. Instead, grew the weeds he cultivated. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The woman, loving her husband, convinced herself that weeds are beautiful, too. Look how they twisted around her lone flower left in the garden! She would tilt her head and admire their thick tendrils and strong thorns. This was not surprising. Because of her kindness, she could see beauty in nearly everything the Lord created. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This perspective was good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She knew in her heart that her husband's well tended weeds were choking out the one flower which had survived the years. The woman didn't know what to do. There were too many weeds. So much time had passed - she had excused and trusted. ... She looked at God's garden again... so many weeds! The weeds were all that could be seen as far as her eye could see. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was bad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The woman turned to study the soil. This was difficult - the weeds were so thick, she had to cut holes through the thorny vines to see. You see, she also possessed knowledge. She knew that healthy soil is necessary for healthy plants. Her heart broke at what she saw. The ground had sat uncultivated for so long - it was as hard as stone. The weeds had taken all the nutrients out of the soil for the beautiful garden. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was really bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She had never spoken up to instruct her husband as to the garden. She knew what it took to keep the soil fertile and what was needed for the garden to flourish. Why had she never spoken up? Why had she excused and even encouraged these errant practices? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Suddenly, she was gripped with fear. It felt just like those vines around the one flower.... the last flower. It wrapped around her legs, and crippled her. The weeds stole the woman's will and courage as she gazed, distracted and searching for beauty. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was terrifyingly bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Before the weeds had taken over the land, the woman was free to move. That fear was more subtle... more excusable. Occasionally, she would trip. Fortunately, her husband had created winding paths for her to stay on. As long as she stood on the path, she would be fine. There were times she would try to pull the weeds, they would prick and fill her with more fear. Disheartened she would slide back onto the dictated path, and back into gazing and searching for beauty in the garden.... the Lord's garden. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Was this good?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As the weeds grew and the paths were rerouted, the woman was unable to reach her flower. The last of the Lord's garden. She summoned up the courage to go to the flower. Through the weeds, the thorns, the thick briars -- she reached the flower and held it. It was never supposed to be this way. The garden was never meant to grow this way - die this way? She couldn't even remember how long it had been or how the garden had come to this point. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was heartbreakingly bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She cried and held the lone flower. But now, the weeds wrapped tightly around her torso. They dug into her skin... causing her to bleed. Fear. They tightened and grew in strength at her defiance in not staying on the path made. Tighter. Fear. Tighter. But she held the flower - knowing that it should have never been this way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was terribly bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The woman called out for her husband. "HELP! You are my trusted protector and friend!" No answer. She cried out again. This time she saw her husband watering the weeds - watching her. As their eyes locked - hers in fear, his in anger - He yanked the vines, tightening their grip even more. She bled. She was injured. She sat crying. Why? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was ... never meant to be... bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">She fell to her knees - flower in hand. Broken. Sad. And with all the breath left in her, she called out to the Lord -- the Creator of the garden. The Master Gardener. With one look, He pulled her to her feet. Gently twisted the vines off her. And asked her to release her grip on the flower. She did. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Master Gardener then asked her if she would trust Him. The woman looked around and wept as she explained there was nobody else to trust. She had been deceived - had allowed fear to destroy the garden that was theirs. She could not go back to her husband's path. She had to come face to face with the truth of the ugliness of the vines ... the death they brought ... the complacency she allowed ... the fear she fed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was hard - but good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">He began to clear the ground. As the Lord - the Master Gardener - began to to a mighty work, she saw that many were on her husband's paths following. They were angry she had left their path. They didn't understand and were cruel. They were never there to see the flower or the garden. They didn't see. It was as if they didn't even recognize her - friends, family. She realized they did not come meet with God as she had. They simply followed. This broke her heart. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This was not good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Lord continued to clear the ground. Uproot and destroy the vines - throwing them into the fire. The path walkers screamed and hurled insult - their anger bubbled out. They could not contain the anger they felt at the husband's work being destroyed. They wrongly thought the weeds were his great work. This was not true. He was not meant to garden this plot. And this was not how the garden was meant to be. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The change was painful - but good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The husband was so sad about his weeds. But was he? She did not know. She saw him nurture and then yank the vines to injure her. He had promised to protect her. He sobbed... the vines -- HIS vines. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">He felt this was bad.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Lord continued the good work. The sobs of the husband turned into rage. How DARE his vines be taken. How dare his paths be ruined! LOOK at all the followers following his paths!!! Where will they follow now?! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Master Gardener continued ... HIS work was was good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As the Lord touched the ground, it became rich and fruitful... the woman cried tears of joy and sang praises. She found a voice she had forgotten she had been given. She watched the Master Gardener planting new flowers in the ground. Not yet grown, she knew they would be even more beautiful than before. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is wonderfully good!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Today, the woman sits with her Lord in the garden. It's a bit empty, as the seeds are just growing. But she knows something new is coming - something beautiful. She and her Creator talk and wait. He tells her of the trees and fruit - the colorful flowers and glorious scent. She is healing. Her master Gardener is healing her as they wait together. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This is very, very good.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Master Gardener is also working on the husband... though the woman cannot see. But she trusts her Lord. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This. Is. Good!</span></div>
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<br /><div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-85135754752716560872016-09-12T08:27:00.002-07:002016-09-12T08:27:22.705-07:00A Poem for Your Monday!<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This past week, My oldest son was asked to choose a poem from a list of well-known poets. I LOVE the poem he chose (and how it reveals his heart) and wanted to share it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u>If I can Stop One Heart from Breaking</u></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Emily Dickinson</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I can stop one heart from breaking,</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I shall not live in vain;</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">If I can ease one life the aching,</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or cool one pain,</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or help one fainting Robin</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Unto his nest again,</span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I shall not live in vain.</span></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6650218062085233892.post-90090135689774663682016-09-05T12:07:00.002-07:002017-05-01T11:32:58.096-07:00Who Am I?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I know that, typically, people will set up a post like this to explain who they are. All the flowery and glow-y achievements they have accomplished. Maybe they will explain about their kids - and what wonderful people they are. Or maybe they will even try and sell themselves as marders for their cause. I don't know. And, honestly, I can't begin to pretend that I understand the mindset of most people. <br />
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I've known bloggers that are sincere and honest - their writing is their heart. (by the way - there are many of these out there!!) But, I've also known authors who use their writing as a way to portray what/who they WISH they could be. On second thought, maybe they don't really wish they could be - maybe they are perfectly happy being "multi dimensional" HAHA! This is what I will call those people -- the ones with the masks... the ones who work so hard to have you feel they can meet you where you are and, in doing so, earn trust they should not (necessarily) be given.<br />
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I hope and pray that you will find me in the first camp. This blog has been a long journey for me. I've dabbled writing in the past. I'm not eloquent - I certainly am not the most creative person - I have nothing truly original to share. And that latter point is a biggie to me. I've read SO many blogs that speak my heart -- that beautifully explain and word what I feel -- I find myself shrugging and assuming those amazing people will speak for me. <br />
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Well, regardless, throughout my life, many have asked me to write more... I would ration: not only have others written before and more beautifully than I, but with what time would I write?? I know that we all make time for whatever is a priority in our lives - this is a fact. But, as you learn more about me and the road I've walked to get to this point, you will see... for some, their "priorities" are taken from them. They are redefined - even assigned - by others. Their voices gradually sink away ... kind of like the sun at dusk - but not nearly as beautifully and certainly not as dramatic. Actually, usually nobody notices. However, the results are the same.... darkness.<br />
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So let me introduce myself. I am HOPE. Yep, that's my name. It's a smidge ironic to me - but I know the Lord gave it to me (through my parents, of course) for reasons I have even yet to discover. I LOVE the Lord Jesus Christ... like LOVE LOVE! I get really excited when I read God's Word. I've been accused of being stubborn and unteachable. Stubborn, yes - Unteachable, depends on the person assuming I should be learning from them. But, as you get to know me and my story, you will see how the Lord used my "stubborn" spirit to save me. Without that - I would certainly NOT be here ... writing or otherwise.<br />
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I have my feet planted FIRMLY in middle age. I am a mother of 4... and (at the time I wrote this, was for 17 years) a wife to 1. Because of the nature of this blog, I will not be using most people's names. Most people will have aliases unless they approve of me using their names. And, I will say, most will not. So fun, odd and obscure nicknames it is! <br />
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I have been married over 16 years. I was married at the age of 24 - my first real relationship, my first true love. From that point, we moved around quite a bit. Husband is in sales - so we followed the job opportunities. I worked in agriculture and loved it. CA - Chicago - CA - WA. I started staying home when we had our first child, "O," and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since.<br />
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Husband travels (and travelled) quite extensively for work - while I kept the home fires burning (and the children alive). And, when not traveling, he was working from home. This has not been an easy life... and not an easy marriage. We live in a military community - and his travels I used to liken to the soldier's shorter deployments. Though, not as dangerous - or honorable - and I certainly did not have the community. Because of this, Husband and kids became my world. We pressed into a local church - deeply. They helped care for me and the kids while Husband was away. They loved on us. Husband would play in the worship band - and quickly became a VERY influential person in the church. (Actually, at this point, I would challenge anybody who would argue that he is not the MOST influential) I would do the "mom" thing - Mops, playdates, women's retreat, and even lead Bible studies (because, remember, I truly LOVE LOVE LOVE God's Word!). I never did much outside of church - neighbors were held at a distance; mom friends from school as well; and even, yes, even family. <br />
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I trusted Husband with EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything ... I never doubted him. Thing is, Husband has secrets --- (pipe down!!! This post/blog is not to air those out!) But what I thought was the big one - that I thought was a secret for me to keep - is his anger. It's always right below the surface. He comes across as charismatic, joyful, funny and all that. But, I learned early in our marriage that I was not to compete with him ... and if I dare challenge him, I should be prepared to stand my ground and ready for the fall-out. The problem was, I was a fearful person at the very core of my heart. You know, this is not because of anything anybody necessarily did... it's just who I was. My father is kind, gentle and merciful. I have to really strain to think of a single incident of him losing his temper. So - fast forward to early in marriage - I had NEVER seen a person up close with anger issues. I have NEVER lived with a person like that. Holes in the walls? check. Hitting things? check. Marching off and driving away - leaving me afraid and feeling guilty for lengths of time? check - check. Often the blow-up would occur, then Husband would return and bring a profuse flow of "I'm sorry" and tears... (for the things he would choose to apologize for -- not the heart issues, though. This is an important distinction --- and there WILL be blog post at some point on this as well.)<br />
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It didn't take long for me to learn how to navigate those waters. Being a middle kid of 5, I had expertly discovered how to disappear, be a peace keeper, cover up - and ignore other's faults, avoid conflict, and apologize for things I didn't do. This is what the norm became for me in my marriage. I was great at what I did! I would cover, apologize, excuse, and pad conversations to keep peace. As time went on, it because instinctual. He would have flare ups, but not nearly like in the early years. He would tout that is was because of the great growth in his life. I would smile, knowing it was because of what an excellent job I was doing in my efforts at being an "good" wife. Still - I trusted him with my everything ... and loved him with every fiber in my being.<br />
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As Husband's anger because more and more "tamed" ... I noticed other attributes boiling up. For one, I noticed a developing aire of being above accountability. Oh, sure - with the church, he has friends (pastors, elders, cops and judges, too!). He would have "accountability" with these men. But did they really know the Truth? I would really like to think - no. But if they did/do - shame on them!<br />
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This underlying anger, potent influence in the only community circle I had (doubly bad since it uses God, as well), and answering to no-one --- is a DEADLY cocktail.<br />
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I share so much about this because I was silent for a long, long time on these things. But, where I am today ... was birthed through this cauldron. Some would call it domestic abuse ... it is. But I didn't realize what it was. I thought he was just abnormally potent in his personality... and I was not. So, I hunkered down and sought the Lord. I studied Scripture and moved to be the best wife I could be... submissive, obedient, honoring and respectful. I would pray for the Lord to teach me true Love - as in 1Corinthians 13... and I tried hard to discipline myself in that matter (there will be a post on this as well!).<br />
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The Lord began to work in me - greatly about 6 years ago. A deep rending of my heart. And, as I know my Sweet Jesus to be, He has MERCIFULLY been peeling away the idols, sinful habits, and breaking off chains that had held my heart and spirit for so long. Honestly, many of these things I wasn't even aware of! People!!! ... I was the Christian of all Christian wives! But, it is true -- MY heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Just as I hid marital things from others, just as I covered Husbands issues, just as I navigated being a middle kid ..... I could hide the true roots in my heart....even from myself. I could actually redefine them in spiritual context to excuse them! And I had.<br />
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In these years, the Lord taught me to pray. My HUNGER for His Word grew and grew!!! I saw miracles happen right before my eyes - lives changed, people healed, hearts turned! ... ALL THROUGH PRAYER. I learned the power of spiritual warfare... and the need to know and use the Bible - the Sword of the Spirit. I became more bold as the Lord taught me. I became more certain of my Faith as I witnessed the Glory of Christ around me... everywhere I turned - there it was!!! A miracle was happening in my heart - and changing me.<br />
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I will touch on all those things later, but you need to note the internal change in me long before the "Quiet Voice" was able to speak up. It didn't happen overnight. There wasn't a secret or a book that walked me through it.... it was as simple - and complex - as yielding my life to Jesus Christ... offering myself a living sacrifice ... crawling up on the altar of God and honestly asking Him to do a mighty work in me -- knowing it would be painful.<br />
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You see... as I grew in confidence and Faith, I began to notice I had ideas and opinions. For years and years I sat and watched. I would observe people. I would cover for people. I would see things in and around. And, I sat silently. Who would listen to me? They probably wouldn't like me if I said anything. And, when I would try to speak up --- literally 9 times out of 10, I would be ignored, interrupted or blatantly spoken over. My voice is naturally weak... it doesn't carry very far... and is easy to ignore in a group. (But I think the Lord's working on that, too.)<br />
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My confidence in my relationship with Jesus Christ grew until, one day, I shared with Husband what the Lord was doing and speaking to me. It was not met kindly. Yet, I stood - afraid, but firm. This started a domino effect -- climaxing in a violent physical attack on me. All the Husband/Me things are still being worked out/on. But the physical hurt -- the vicious lies and gossip that followed -- were a sincere and very real wake-up call to me. It was as if my house of cards CRASHED down on me in an instant. My world -- was confusing. It was a lie. And it's time to be honest about it.<br />
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So, that's where I am today. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I am a domestic violence survivor. I am a wife who PLEADS to the Lord on behalf of Husband. I am a wife and friend - deeply betrayed. I am a Mom - trying... trying... trying. I am a friend who hid in fear and hurt. I am a woman who is learning to breathe again. I am a child of God. I am Loved beyond belief by the Creator Himself. I am not alone. I am learning to SPEAK. I am growing in Faith. I am brave in ways I never thought. I am kind and compassionate. I am forgiven and recreated. I am everything the Bible says I am -- and I hold to the promises made by the Lord Himself... they span time and culture because I KNOW my God is with me.<br />
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... and He can be with you as well. Because YOU are loved beyond belief. You are brave. And those promises in the Bible?? -- they can be yours, too!!!<br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">* I want to note that I will also be writing on church issues in this blog, Things I've observed. Things the Lord has been teaching me. But I want to note and make clear to you all -- though I've been hurt and shocked at how the community and "friends" have not only readily adopted lies, slander and gossip but added to and continued the spread of those thing in regards to me and my life --- I have been even MORE surprised and blessed by the people and true friends who HAVE encouraged me. Few things show the true hearts of people like a good crisis. So, while I will be writing quite a bit -- do not lose faith in people. There are folks who listen to TRUTH, fixing their eyes on Christ all around --- and if you look, you will find them!!!</span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Look to the Light and trust your gut</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com