I know that, typically, people will set up a post like this to explain who they are. All the flowery and glow-y achievements they have accomplished. Maybe they will explain about their kids - and what wonderful people they are. Or maybe they will even try and sell themselves as marders for their cause. I don't know. And, honestly, I can't begin to pretend that I understand the mindset of most people.
I've known bloggers that are sincere and honest - their writing is their heart. (by the way - there are many of these out there!!) But, I've also known authors who use their writing as a way to portray what/who they WISH they could be. On second thought, maybe they don't really wish they could be - maybe they are perfectly happy being "multi dimensional" HAHA! This is what I will call those people -- the ones with the masks... the ones who work so hard to have you feel they can meet you where you are and, in doing so, earn trust they should not (necessarily) be given.
I hope and pray that you will find me in the first camp. This blog has been a long journey for me. I've dabbled writing in the past. I'm not eloquent - I certainly am not the most creative person - I have nothing truly original to share. And that latter point is a biggie to me. I've read SO many blogs that speak my heart -- that beautifully explain and word what I feel -- I find myself shrugging and assuming those amazing people will speak for me.
Well, regardless, throughout my life, many have asked me to write more... I would ration: not only have others written before and more beautifully than I, but with what time would I write?? I know that we all make time for whatever is a priority in our lives - this is a fact. But, as you learn more about me and the road I've walked to get to this point, you will see... for some, their "priorities" are taken from them. They are redefined - even assigned - by others. Their voices gradually sink away ... kind of like the sun at dusk - but not nearly as beautifully and certainly not as dramatic. Actually, usually nobody notices. However, the results are the same.... darkness.
So let me introduce myself. I am HOPE. Yep, that's my name. It's a smidge ironic to me - but I know the Lord gave it to me (through my parents, of course) for reasons I have even yet to discover. I LOVE the Lord Jesus Christ... like LOVE LOVE! I get really excited when I read God's Word. I've been accused of being stubborn and unteachable. Stubborn, yes - Unteachable, depends on the person assuming I should be learning from them. But, as you get to know me and my story, you will see how the Lord used my "stubborn" spirit to save me. Without that - I would certainly NOT be here ... writing or otherwise.
I have my feet planted FIRMLY in middle age. I am a mother of 4... and (at the time I wrote this, was for 17 years) a wife to 1. Because of the nature of this blog, I will not be using most people's names. Most people will have aliases unless they approve of me using their names. And, I will say, most will not. So fun, odd and obscure nicknames it is!
I have been married over 16 years. I was married at the age of 24 - my first real relationship, my first true love. From that point, we moved around quite a bit. Husband is in sales - so we followed the job opportunities. I worked in agriculture and loved it. CA - Chicago - CA - WA. I started staying home when we had our first child, "O," and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since.
Husband travels (and travelled) quite extensively for work - while I kept the home fires burning (and the children alive). And, when not traveling, he was working from home. This has not been an easy life... and not an easy marriage. We live in a military community - and his travels I used to liken to the soldier's shorter deployments. Though, not as dangerous - or honorable - and I certainly did not have the community. Because of this, Husband and kids became my world. We pressed into a local church - deeply. They helped care for me and the kids while Husband was away. They loved on us. Husband would play in the worship band - and quickly became a VERY influential person in the church. (Actually, at this point, I would challenge anybody who would argue that he is not the MOST influential) I would do the "mom" thing - Mops, playdates, women's retreat, and even lead Bible studies (because, remember, I truly LOVE LOVE LOVE God's Word!). I never did much outside of church - neighbors were held at a distance; mom friends from school as well; and even, yes, even family.
I trusted Husband with EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything ... I never doubted him. Thing is, Husband has secrets --- (pipe down!!! This post/blog is not to air those out!) But what I thought was the big one - that I thought was a secret for me to keep - is his anger. It's always right below the surface. He comes across as charismatic, joyful, funny and all that. But, I learned early in our marriage that I was not to compete with him ... and if I dare challenge him, I should be prepared to stand my ground and ready for the fall-out. The problem was, I was a fearful person at the very core of my heart. You know, this is not because of anything anybody necessarily did... it's just who I was. My father is kind, gentle and merciful. I have to really strain to think of a single incident of him losing his temper. So - fast forward to early in marriage - I had NEVER seen a person up close with anger issues. I have NEVER lived with a person like that. Holes in the walls? check. Hitting things? check. Marching off and driving away - leaving me afraid and feeling guilty for lengths of time? check - check. Often the blow-up would occur, then Husband would return and bring a profuse flow of "I'm sorry" and tears... (for the things he would choose to apologize for -- not the heart issues, though. This is an important distinction --- and there WILL be blog post at some point on this as well.)
It didn't take long for me to learn how to navigate those waters. Being a middle kid of 5, I had expertly discovered how to disappear, be a peace keeper, cover up - and ignore other's faults, avoid conflict, and apologize for things I didn't do. This is what the norm became for me in my marriage. I was great at what I did! I would cover, apologize, excuse, and pad conversations to keep peace. As time went on, it because instinctual. He would have flare ups, but not nearly like in the early years. He would tout that is was because of the great growth in his life. I would smile, knowing it was because of what an excellent job I was doing in my efforts at being an "good" wife. Still - I trusted him with my everything ... and loved him with every fiber in my being.
As Husband's anger because more and more "tamed" ... I noticed other attributes boiling up. For one, I noticed a developing aire of being above accountability. Oh, sure - with the church, he has friends (pastors, elders, cops and judges, too!). He would have "accountability" with these men. But did they really know the Truth? I would really like to think - no. But if they did/do - shame on them!
This underlying anger, potent influence in the only community circle I had (doubly bad since it uses God, as well), and answering to no-one --- is a DEADLY cocktail.
I share so much about this because I was silent for a long, long time on these things. But, where I am today ... was birthed through this cauldron. Some would call it domestic abuse ... it is. But I didn't realize what it was. I thought he was just abnormally potent in his personality... and I was not. So, I hunkered down and sought the Lord. I studied Scripture and moved to be the best wife I could be... submissive, obedient, honoring and respectful. I would pray for the Lord to teach me true Love - as in 1Corinthians 13... and I tried hard to discipline myself in that matter (there will be a post on this as well!).
The Lord began to work in me - greatly about 6 years ago. A deep rending of my heart. And, as I know my Sweet Jesus to be, He has MERCIFULLY been peeling away the idols, sinful habits, and breaking off chains that had held my heart and spirit for so long. Honestly, many of these things I wasn't even aware of! People!!! ... I was the Christian of all Christian wives! But, it is true -- MY heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Just as I hid marital things from others, just as I covered Husbands issues, just as I navigated being a middle kid ..... I could hide the true roots in my heart....even from myself. I could actually redefine them in spiritual context to excuse them! And I had.
In these years, the Lord taught me to pray. My HUNGER for His Word grew and grew!!! I saw miracles happen right before my eyes - lives changed, people healed, hearts turned! ... ALL THROUGH PRAYER. I learned the power of spiritual warfare... and the need to know and use the Bible - the Sword of the Spirit. I became more bold as the Lord taught me. I became more certain of my Faith as I witnessed the Glory of Christ around me... everywhere I turned - there it was!!! A miracle was happening in my heart - and changing me.
I will touch on all those things later, but you need to note the internal change in me long before the "Quiet Voice" was able to speak up. It didn't happen overnight. There wasn't a secret or a book that walked me through it.... it was as simple - and complex - as yielding my life to Jesus Christ... offering myself a living sacrifice ... crawling up on the altar of God and honestly asking Him to do a mighty work in me -- knowing it would be painful.
You see... as I grew in confidence and Faith, I began to notice I had ideas and opinions. For years and years I sat and watched. I would observe people. I would cover for people. I would see things in and around. And, I sat silently. Who would listen to me? They probably wouldn't like me if I said anything. And, when I would try to speak up --- literally 9 times out of 10, I would be ignored, interrupted or blatantly spoken over. My voice is naturally weak... it doesn't carry very far... and is easy to ignore in a group. (But I think the Lord's working on that, too.)
My confidence in my relationship with Jesus Christ grew until, one day, I shared with Husband what the Lord was doing and speaking to me. It was not met kindly. Yet, I stood - afraid, but firm. This started a domino effect -- climaxing in a violent physical attack on me. All the Husband/Me things are still being worked out/on. But the physical hurt -- the vicious lies and gossip that followed -- were a sincere and very real wake-up call to me. It was as if my house of cards CRASHED down on me in an instant. My world -- was confusing. It was a lie. And it's time to be honest about it.
So, that's where I am today. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I am a domestic violence survivor. I am a wife who PLEADS to the Lord on behalf of Husband. I am a wife and friend - deeply betrayed. I am a Mom - trying... trying... trying. I am a friend who hid in fear and hurt. I am a woman who is learning to breathe again. I am a child of God. I am Loved beyond belief by the Creator Himself. I am not alone. I am learning to SPEAK. I am growing in Faith. I am brave in ways I never thought. I am kind and compassionate. I am forgiven and recreated. I am everything the Bible says I am -- and I hold to the promises made by the Lord Himself... they span time and culture because I KNOW my God is with me.
... and He can be with you as well. Because YOU are loved beyond belief. You are brave. And those promises in the Bible?? -- they can be yours, too!!!
* I want to note that I will also be writing on church issues in this blog, Things I've observed. Things the Lord has been teaching me. But I want to note and make clear to you all -- though I've been hurt and shocked at how the community and "friends" have not only readily adopted lies, slander and gossip but added to and continued the spread of those thing in regards to me and my life --- I have been even MORE surprised and blessed by the people and true friends who HAVE encouraged me. Few things show the true hearts of people like a good crisis. So, while I will be writing quite a bit -- do not lose faith in people. There are folks who listen to TRUTH, fixing their eyes on Christ all around --- and if you look, you will find them!!!
